The Warning Signs of Financial Infidelity
It’s the honest truth - there are bound to be fights within a marriage. Couples can and will argue over the silliest things (laundry on the floor or dishes in the sink, anyone?). But they also argue over some pretty heavy topics. One of the biggest issues at the top of the marriage argument list is money.
Money fights are common, but never easy. If you and your spouse or partner have been fighting about money, you’re not alone. In fact, according to aicpa.org, 7 in 10 couples living together have had a disagreement about money in the past year. And according to Ramsey Solutions, 41% of married couples say fighting is almost inevitable when they talk about money. Can you relate?
When it comes down to it, many money fights are primarily due to a lack of communication between couples. When you and your partner aren’t openly communicating about your finances you can both end up blaming, feeling guilty, and straight up lying about your spending habits. That’s when you fall into financial infidelity.
What is Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity is making financial decisions without the other spouse knowing about those decisions. They’re decisions that affect, burden, or strain the financial plans of the relationship. It’s usually just one spouse being untruthful, but both partners can certainly be at fault for financial infidelity simultaneously - kind of like a “Well she’s doing that, so I’m going to do it too…” scenario.
Like with many things, there’s also a spectrum of financial infidelity. It may be minor in such as not being forthcoming about some smaller spending (think work lunches or the daily lotto ticket), or it can be as extreme as big gambling and compulsively shopping. In general, financial infidelity can look like a spouse spending money, possessing credit or having credit cards, having secret accounts or stashes of money, borrowing money or otherwise incurring debt, without one's spouse, partner, or significant other knowing.
Does that sound familiar? According to a 2022 survey by US News & World Report, as many as one in three couples deal with financial infidelity in the US alone with the issue getting more common with each passing year. The effects can be devastating with financial infidelity not only negatively impacting relationships, but with 10% leading to divorce. It’s easy to brush some of the signs off as one-offs, but if they happen more than once in a blue moon, it may be time to consider if it’s financial infidelity at play.
examples to look for
Lying About Purchases
Relationships are built on trust and honesty, which is why lying or yes, even not giving the full truth, is certainly the quickest one-way-ticket to ‘Argumentville’. If you or your spouse deliberately lies about how much was spent on a purchase or night out, or lies about purchasing it at all, that’s a big red flag.
Hiding Spending from Spouse
Maybe you or your spouse aren’t LYING about purchases, but hiding purchases is just as bad. If you feel the need to grab your Amazon packages off the porch before your spouse gets home, that’s a sign of financial infidelity.
Having Secret Savings Accounts or Credit Cards
Once your married, you should be on the same page about finances - values, goals, priorities - and therefore all accounts should be shared. Partners who have a separate and private account or their own credit card are simply not a 100%-in teammate.
Getting Cash Back Without Telling Your Spouse
You go to the grocery store, make a regular shopping trip, but decide to ask for a few $20’s back in cash from the cashier. It may not seem like a big deal to you or at the time, but over time this adds up. Not telling your partner about this can lead to feeling betrayal and arguments when it does rise to the surface.
Making Big Purchases Without Prior Discussion
It’s one thing to buy yourself an unexpected lunch out with friends. But when it comes to paying for the entire table’s food and drinks without discussing it with your spouse, that’s different. Even when it comes to gifts for each other at Christmas, couples should have a clear understanding about what’s acceptable to spend on a spouse, and what’s overdoing it.
what to do?
These habits and behaviors can be upsetting to think about and discuss. So if these signs of financial infidelity sound like your spouse or partner, first recognize that it’s not the end of the world. In many instances, the infidelity isn’t done on purpose, but rather just bad habits that haven’t been communicated and addressed between each other.
Ironically, it’s quite common for someone who is more frugal to attract more of a spender in a companion, and vice versa. That, in turn, makes financial infidelity quite frequent in relationships too. If you or your spouse (or both!) have experienced or were the perpetrator of financial infidelity, it’s time to address and talk through the issues together so they don’t become larger problems in your marriage.
Acknowledgement.
It’s important to recognize what has transpired, and what parts of the relationship are compromised. It’s also important to acknowledge your feelings of possible anger, disappointment, and sadness, and to understand that they are valid. Just like with romantic infidelity or cheating, partners may experience feelings of loss of trust and betrayal. These feelings are normal and you’re not alone.
Come Clean.
Like with a romantic affair, it’s important to dive in and assess why the financial infidelity happened in the first place. Both parties should examine the part they each played. While the secretive and offending partner may have made some big transgressions that got you both to this point, the passive spouse may realize they have been overly uptight and disagreeable with budgeting. If both parties can come clean and address the issues amicably there’s a higher change for reconciliation.
Understand Your Financial Values
We’ve all been brought up with different beliefs and values about finances. Our behaviors and relationships with money are often due to how we were raised and taught about money. Diving deep into your own personal beliefs and values independently will help you understand your own spending habits.
Examine Your Relationship
Maybe you shop because your substituting the endorphins you get from shopping for what you’re missing in your relationship. Or maybe you shop because you’re bored as a stay at home parent while your spouse works. Diving deep and asking the bigger question of “Why” you can’t tell your spouse the truth, or “Why does he continue to spend without telling me?” may help get to the root of the problem. Is your relationship missing something more?
Listen Without Judgement
Couples who can communicate about hard topics without feeling judged are the couples that typically have more successful relationships. If your spouse is trying to explain why they spend uncontrollably or don’t want to tell you about their spending, listen with an open heart. One of the greatest ways to show love is to make them feel heard, respected, and supported, even if you feel they’ve done something wrong.
Strive for Transparency
Ultimately both parties need to commit to being fully transparent with one another. Open communication is the key to resolving many conflicts overall and financial issues are no different. If you are budgeting, planning, and working together as a team, overtime you’ll start to see improvement and the trust rebuilt.
Financial infidelity is certainly an issue not to ignore. But it’s not the end of the world. When in doubt, get outside help. Whether it’s seeing a therapist to get over the trust and betrayal issues, or having a financial coach to get you back on track as a team with your money, there’s no shame in actively solving a problem.
